Origins
Pre-introdctuction
Welcome to the first of what I hope will be many oral journal entries. My intention is for people to listen to this piece, but if you would prefer, you can read the entry below as well, though there are little extra bits within the audio.
Hope you enjoy.
Introduction
There has been a fear within me of sharing this, of how it will be received. I held myself back from posting originally, to consider whether me telling my origin story was a necessary part of my offering; I feel we can become so fixated and trapped within our past stories, and narratives, and with seeking the drama and horror of life, and I didn’t want this piece to add to that. But I need to also acknowledge how important being raw and vulnerable is for how I’m showing up, and how much I also personally gain when I witness someone else express themselves in this way, hearing their experience in tandem to my own, when they share their origin story. That mirroring we can find within that process can create a thread of understanding between us, and we can feel less alone.
When we meet these blocks and spend time working with them – whether that be fear, or self-judgement, or needing permission - we can alchemize and transmute them into fuel for our outward action. There are different kinds of fear, and this was definitely the fear of stepping into my own power and capacity to be vulnerable in the way that I do know I’m being called to, allowing my unique story and voice to be heard. Walking toward our destined path will feel unknown, and therefore it’s a reasonable reaction to feel a sense of fear.
And ill reiterate here that that I don’t wish to add into the drama, I don’t want your sympathy (I’ll talk about my views on sympathy another time perhaps) so I’ve been very careful as to what I have alluded to, offering facts which I feel follow the journey I’ve been on, you know, it’s very much a skimming of my surface, and it just doesn’t encompass the wholeness of my experience. But I have years to deepen into sharing that, I don’t need to bear my whole soul for you, ever.
But when I was piecing my offerings together, the line that came through to me very clearly, was to share the journey of self-directed healing; so if I’m going to share the journey of self-directed healing – of which, understanding our past is a part of that and personally my perspective and relationship to my past story has dramatically shifted through my healing practice – I feel perhaps it would be wise to offer insight as to where I have journeyed from, for you to understand how far I have come, to reach you here, in the space we now both frequent. So, I hope that this act, this practice of raw vulnerability, is both cathartic for me, and supportive to you.
Welcome seeker,
To the outward eye, it may appear as though I had made little mark upon the earth until recently; my thirty-one years where a trial by fire – repetitive, severe, internal, testing and lonely –it was never a goal of mine to become a healing practitioner, I’ve been put onto this path by life itself, and have choosen to respond to the deep calling to share that which has arisen from my own experiences.
I have been quietly working away, unpicking the threads that sewed my unique layers of trauma together, laying it out, reflecting and transmuting it into a new cloak for me to wear, as I walk forward and bring you with me. This entry contains a glimpse into some of these unique layers, and If you asked me if I would forgo these any them, I would answer that I am happy to be here.
Roots
The pandemic in 2020 was a major catalyst for me; it was during this time that I found the Saturn’s Return podcast by Caggie Dunlop – perfectly launched a few months prior to the start of my own return at the age of 26 – it was this show that introduced me to this integral transit, and also acted as my initiator and gateway to working with celestial forms, and in particular, the moon.
Always an avid reader of self-help books, I have been ‘working’ on myself since young adulthood, and in therapy for longer. I first entered the mental health system at the age of 11 years old, later than needed; I was first prescribed Prozac at the age of 13; I was deeply depressed, bulimic, walking out of school and drinking neat vodka on the street – I was self-destructing in front of the eyes of many adults, yet, I’m unsure if anyone truly noticed.
My school years where uncomfortable, not only due to the normal angst of teenage individuation and devlopment, but of (what I now know to be) my intensifying and unacknowledged C-PTSD, fluctuating eating disorders and body dysmorphia, a homelife which was falling apart with my parent’s divorce, and several undiagnosed learning difficulties. Even with my struggles at school, I attended college and university, to train to work in fashion, as I had always wanted.
University wasn’t what I expected, and my body had begun to wane, and ache. Beyond graduation I met road blocks into industry, which caused great frustration for me, so I choose to create my own business – however, my esteem did not allow this venture to flourish much further beyond creation. I worked unfulfilling jobs on low pay, which left me in poverty and precarious positions; experienced the loneliness of unaligned relationships, and the grief when they ended;
I spent many years in mental anguish, suicidal and struggling to participate in life to its fullest. Yet somehow, no matter how deeply I despaired, I carried on; I once told a therapist that I had an ‘unrelenting sense of hope’ – the one gift I would keep within my box after I had opened it.
Initiation
For me, awakening was not an eyes open once and done, kind of deal. Each time I woke up, I would be aware, then somehow, I would fall back into slumber – I was always too tired to stay awake. I had already been laying the ground work – I wasn’t starting from nothing - but safety is paramount for this work.
After the end of an 8-month situationship – a dynamic which I had of course, not been aware of – I realised that London had not been working for me, so set upon a decision to explore different locations in the UK. My first port of call was Edinburgh, and it pulled me in.
As the dynamics in my shared flat began to unravel during lockdown, I gained the opportunity to leave my tenency contract, and chose to take it. I got a job as a support worker and found myself a flat, and in September 2020 I moved to Edinburgh.
On my first trip to Edinburgh, I had entered into an intense and unhealthy fling, which had followed me back home to London; I had reconnected with this person for my arrival back, and as the only person I knew in Edinburgh, stress overtook and I entered back into the dynamic.
Early on in the role, my unhealthy relationship was breaking me mentally, and the job was breaking me physically. I experienced an abortion, and many health issues in this first year – and was needing to take long periods off of work, never fully recuperating and struggling to make ends meet whilst being isolated. I did finally end the relationship, yet dating was still no help to me, as I continued to walked into several more unpleasant dynamics, which felt very natural to me – something that would continue until quite recently really.
It was from working in this new role that I became aware of being neurodivergent, and was fortunate enough to receive a diagnosis through my employer. With this now evidenced need for support, things began to slot into place for me, and though there was a great deal of grief to explore, it was integral to my journey.
The role was not supportive for me, and I knew that I could not continue; I was mainly contained to my flat and bed, and there was no sign of them shifting how they expected me to work within the role. After spending a few months signed off by my GP, I was signed off long term by the DWP as incapacitated, in July 2021. I was finally able to rest, whilst being supported.
As my nervous system got the opportunity to begin to relax, it sent me deeper into pain, as I began to feel all that was being held back from me in protection – to acknowledge, tend and transmute my trauma. I was working with a naturopath, and cleaning up my diet to support my healing; I leant deeper into energy work, astrology, moon work, witchcraft and divination.
I kept becoming more aware during sexual experiences, realising when I was entering into trauma response, and I finally managed to snap myself out during one experience. I wildly ran home, crying, and entered into meditation where I spoke to the pain in my body, I asked it what it was telling me, and it told me, I was Queer. This revelation really shifted me into a new space, and over the next few months I began working through a shadow work course online.
Awakening
On the 5th April 2022, I really woke up. I had brought myself into enough of a place of safety and wellbeing, as to allow that which needed to be dealt with, to surface. It was the day that I remembered what had happened to me - the key - my grandfather had sexually abused me as a child.
This really was the beginning of the end; these past two years since, have held even more yet, but it has been a slow opening and spiralling healing period - a returning - working with teachers, guides and modalities, to support myself into wholeness, whilst opening up to my deep and innate abilities as a healer myself. And this part, this is what I will continue to share with you, as I transmute deeper wisdom from memory into words, practices and space holding for you.
Finishing reflections
When I reflect back upon my life in this condensed and skimming way, I feel many things; firstly, a sense of grief and disdain – unacknowledged, a sense of being let down and unsupported by the adults in my life. What could have been? But I also feel sheer gratitude that I am here today - as I am, as a result of this journey -and a sense of sheer strength, that somehow I knew I had within me, yet, never quite had access to beforehand.
My story was one of a traumatised girl – a victim – but that is no longer the tune I sing to. I have pulled the threads of my previous story apart, and will continue to weave my world back together. The perspective shift that has occurred for me over the past two plus years has been profound, and I will never again be able to fall back asleep – my life is beginning to bloom in such a beautiful way, and I am so pulled toward guiding people towards this also.
I stand before you as a sovereign woman; my effort is now around sharing this perspective shift and journey I have been on, lighting the pathway ahead, as I continue to walk it, to support those of you, who are ready to take a similar path. Your story does not need look exactly like my own, there is so much connective tissue between the complexities of each one of us, that we can surely find resonate threads to pull upon. So, as I continue to walk the fine thread between the worlds, I invite you to join me, if you feel called to, on this shared journey of self-directed healing.
An end note
Thank you for taking time out of your day, to sit with me and hear a little bit of my story. If you have found resonance with this piece, then you will perhaps find more within the poetry book I have been writing – Returning. I am in the process of reaching out to put this piece of work into the world in a very physical way – so if you or someone you know would be interested in supporting me to publish this work – please do reach out, share both myself and my writing to someone who you feel would be supported by it.
I also deeply welcome in response to anything I share, privately or in the comments; I would like to create a sense of belonging and acknowledgement in this space I am carving out for us. And finally, if you feel compelled to work with me in a deeper way, do look over my one:one sessions.
