Learning Intimacy
Last week my mind was cast back to this piece which I wrote for a local publication submission last year, which was rejected. It feels very current again to me, like it was brought to my attention on purpose to work as I spiral around themes of connection and intimacy in my own life, and I feel it deserves to be published. Even though if I wrote this now it would perhaps find another form, it may very well hold something for someone else as well, so I offer it here for you now, unedited from when I submitted it.
[Written August 2023]
Until recently, I’m unsure I remember ever feeling truly intimate with anyone, yet, it is something I have craved deeply. As I reflect on the world around me, I wonder if the concept of intimacy is thrown around without enough consideration or understanding of its potential - much like love - I wonder if others feel the same.
I tried the many ways in which society taught me to alleviate the deep loneliness which had filled my body to the brim, but the conversations didnt scrape the surface, and physicality never touched the sides – they always lacked depth. Like all of us, my unique (and abusive) childhood moulded my understanding of intimacy, and my body kept the score on the level to which I could access it, but perhaps you recognise my wish to throw the doors open to my inner world to a trusted few; be witnessed in my weirdness without judgment; held closely in my heaviest pain; to share in the deepest, dirtiest laughter as I light up from the inside out. It has only been during this year - my thirtieth - that I am reaching an understanding of the depths of intimacy which I could co-create; still creating the reference points for what safe, nurturing intimacy can look and feel like to me; so here, I’d like to muse on my experience, my learnings so far, on the artform which is emotional intimacy, as I believe this is what I have been truly craving.
I believe nurturing a truer sense of intimacy with another, reaches far beyond the bounds of the physical (doing), or the mental (thinking), into the emotional (being); emotional intimacy can be shared with anyone, in any way. Like all art forms, it requires patient study, a honing of our craft, and time to play and experiment with our tools of choice – touch, words, eye contact, dance, sex etc - but like art, it is not the tools which create the masterpiece, it is the intent and energy which guides them. Intimacy is a dance of energy from deep within us (emotion: energy-in-motion), which is willingly passed, connecting one soul to another; it is alive, and as such it has needs to flourish.
For me, life had been lived in a constant state of high alert, fear, of the world around me, so it is no coincidence that my ability to be intimate began to develop when I had created a sense of safety – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in my life first. Because intimacy is a vulnerable state of co-creation, in which we remove our armour to share in the minuteness of our innermost worlds, we lay our souls bare, and they theirs, to explore our depths together.
Intimate connection can allow us to reach further into our own depths – relationship can only be healed and nourished, in relation to another - but I have found deep diving into self-reflection integral to my ability to show up with another, because we can only ever meet another’s emotions, to the level of which we can meet our own. To reach into deeper emotional intimacy with another - for us to share ourselves authentically - we must first know ourselves. The ability to be honest about our state of being in the present moment – and to accept with compassion everything as it is without judgement - is to be in our truth, and this allows another to truly witness us.
This requires patience for all involved, and true courage for us to bring our fullest selves into the present moment, and sit with them with unwavering attention. Intimacy requires our full attention - a mutual meditation - and that can be challenging if we are sitting with discomfort. Learning how to regulate myself through challenging emotions has contributed to my feelings of safety; being emotionally intimate requires us to welcome all emotions, not just the comfortable ones. My personal capacity to do this fluctuates, but my ability to understand my own capacity, must remain consistent. This allows me to create and honour my own boundaries to remain safe. Both my capacity and boundaries have developed with me over time, and will continue to do so. The only thing consistent in this life is change, we must expect the same of intimate connections; not everyone has built up their capacity - we are all at different stages – sometimes we can wish to have more intimacy with someone, but listening to the limits of what the other person can offer you is a deeply important lesson – not everyone wishes to share themselves intimately with you, and perhaps, you may not wish to be intimate with them either.
As such intimacy requires a level of self-regard – knowing our value and the fact we deserve unconditional regard. It is okay to be alone – alone does not mean lonely – it means we are honouring ourselves, and refusing to settle for less than we deserve. We must not fear being with ourselves; this means that there is space in our lives for intimacy to enter. When you are living from your authentic nature, I don’t believe there is a limit to the depth of intimacy which we could dive to with another. Living in a place of emotional intimacy within ourselves is the start; when we embrace this way of being, we attract those who wish to live in the same way.
Each step into the future is new ground I am walking on, and as I continue learn safety in this new way of being - creating new neuropathways and pushing ever so gently into my edges - I expand my capacity for emotional intimacy, and, I grow in hope, and excitement of the journeys ahead. We could continue settle for “intimacy” the way it has been offered to us so far, but I know I won’t be.
